Time and Newsweek, Sept. 23
(posted Thursday, Sept. 19)

These two tired old rags have run out of news and run out of lies and now all they can write about is the questionable journalistic ethics of their colleagues and themselves. Time's entire editorial staff comes out of the closet this week and admits that many of them have had actual "erotic" thoughts at one time or another, and Newsweek's staff comes out of the closet and admits that many of them have had an actual thought, at one time or another. Time's cover story, "Reincarnation for the Hell of It," reports that four American political consultants, including an associate of Clinton adviser Dick Morris, are all really space aliens from Mars and have secretly hypnotized world leaders into acting like total assholes on command. This week Time also admitted its complicity in the brutal murder of millions of starving babies. Time, Inc editor-in-chief, Norman Brylcreeme, said that he and Time's millions of readers in doctor's and dentist's offices all over the world, are really sorry that so many defenseless babies were so brutally murdered for absolutely no reason at all. "Well, we have to compete with Rupert Murdoch," was all Brylcreeme could reply, when asked for the logic behind these crimes against nature.

Newsweek's cover story discusses what the Newsweek staff had for breakfast this morning and what kinds of cars they drive, and why.

Newsweek and Time both completely ignore the recent terrorist bombings and the Presidential race, this week, as they delve deeper and deeper into their own organizational psychoses and share it all with their readers. "Who am I? Why Am I here?" asks Time. And we applaud their courage.

the new yorker The New Yorker, Sept. 23
(posted Thursday, Sept. 19)

Most people who live in New York are embarrassed just to have this magazine named after them. And, frankly, no one on our staff is willing to be caught dead reading it, so we can only guess at what's inside. Probably just a bunch of articles about what a bunch of crap everything is. Also, Blood Sport author James Stewart looks at (and analyzes) a new era of water sports based on bodily fluids, then speculates that soon there may be whole new Olympic categories based on sports that take place exclusively in, say, mucus, urine, or cerebro-spinal fluid.
U.S. News & World Report, Sept. 23
(posted Thursday, Sept. 19)

U.S. News is devoted exclusively to Madonna, again this week, with "Madonna's Guide to Madonna" And then in a closing editorial David Gergen concludes that "...everything's really just a load of crap anyway, so if we all just had sex with Madonna a lot more often, we'd be a lot better off and there'd be less crime and poverty."
the nation The Nation, Sept. 23
(posted Thursday, Sept. 19)

In its drive to become a fashion/life-style zine, The Nation, this week, devotes its entire issue to exciting new designs in school uniforms and public drug testing kits. We have tried very hard to find a way to criticize this magazine, but we come up empty every time. It just presents whatever's happening on the street without value judgment, and there is no way to fault that.
Weekly Standard, Sept. 23
(posted Thursday, Sept. 19)

Once again, the Standard devotes an entire issue to several book-length denials of the frequent accusations that it's really the spearhead of a right-wing Jewish-Moonie Homosexual cabal seeking to take over the Republican party, publicly kill Christ again, and install Liza Minelli as secretary of state for life. And, in a special pull-out section, the once-famous fathers of the editors all categorically deny that their now-famous offspring are the results of bizarre genetic experimentation gone awry.
New Republic, Sept. 23
(posted Thursday, Sept. 19)

The New Republic, this week, demonstrates its firm commitment to the digital revolution by printing the current issue entirely in binary. Uhhh, that's exclusively 1's and 0's and requires that the reader demonstrate her commitment to the digital revolution by typing all those numbers into a DOS octal debugger, in order to be able to read the articles. A ballsy approach that Time, Sports Illustrated, and the New York Times Magazine can only dream about. TNR also launches a new column, "The Ethics of Terrorism." Political thinkers Ted Nugent, Ronald Reagan, Randy "Machoman" Savage, and Sting "will try to demonstrate why terrorism is one of the highest moral acts, and why the hypocrites who rail against it while walking around with nuclear missiles in their pockets, are the real slimeballs."
Slate, Sept. 23
(posted Thursday, Sept. 19)

This weak attempt on the part of Microsoft to parody Stall, has been pretty widely ignored, but we still give them credit for trying. And we also salute editor Michael Kinsley for possibly being the only honest person to ever appear regularly on CNN. Recently Kinsley shocked many people when he simply and straightforwardly explained his strong personal attraction for Bill Gates. "How could I not respect him?" said Kinsley, "He's the only person I've ever met who actually creeps me out more than I creep myself out."
Previous Why Other Zines Suck columns.