Monday, March 30, 1998
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Company Upgrades Website!!

SF, CA - (Mar 30) - Some company will apparently "upgrade" its, you know, "website" today.

Speaking at the dedication of the new "Sex And Drugs But NOT Rock 'N Roll" Hall of Fame, in Billings, Montana, a spokesperson for the company that'll be upgrading its, you know, "website" today, told members of a fortuitous convergence of multiple press junkets that "We will, apparently, be upgrading our, you know, 'website' today."

According to the spokesperson, the upgrade will include a small letter "X" in the lower right-hand corner of the company's homepage.

"No one will know what this 'X' is for, or what it means," said the spokesperson, "And, according to either our research staff or somebody who used to go for coffee at Wired, it will, therefore, have an anti-placebo effect on people."

According to the spokesperson, this means that, "Rather than curing everybody for no reason at all, it'll actually make everybody wanna kill themselves (or the horse they rode in on) for no reason at all."

The spokesperson also announced that his company would be cross-partnering or something with some other company and that, as a result, "They will get 10% of something in exchange for giving us exclusive rights to use something on a limited basis. And they will also be required to display something somewhere, and, apparently, in return, we will most likely display something somewhere, too."

According to the spokesperson, this is all part of a larger "master plan" his company is following in the evolution of its website master plan.

"This is all part of a much larger series of recursive master plans, devised by our crack team of master plan designers, consisting of mostly people who used to go for coffee at Tiger Beat," the spokesperson told reporters. "In this master plan, we will quickly evolve from what we used to be, to what we will be, in accordance with the new laws of the web, which dictate that, if you watch MTV's 'The Real World' for a half hour each week, then you don't actually have to spend any time in the world's real world, for the next 6 days. Even if the episode you watched was a rerun."


A few weeks or months ago (but who's counting?), we reported that flight had stopped working -- and that was why all those planes were always crashing all the time.

Well, apparently, it turns out that all those planes were crashing because, like, when Reagan fired all the air traffic controllers and then supposedly hired new ones, he didn't really hire new ones at all, but he just had Hollywood produce a show called "The Air Traffic Controllers" and then he just ran tapes of that in air traffic control towers everywhere, so people would think there were really air traffic controllers, but, in reality, it was, you know, just a TV show. So when the show went into reruns, planes, of course, started going off course and crashing, up the wazoo.

We regret any inconvenience this misinformation may have caused readers of this column.

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