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Click here.  Thank you. The Washington Pissed
Wednesday, Sept 22, 1999

"Only a Hair" Is Amount by Which Car Fails to Beat Train to Railroad Crossing
Garth Register III was apparently on his way back from MTV. The weather was all hot, and burning buckets were falling out of the sky and landing in the distant rapids.

Fortunately, to solve the traffic problem, TCP/IP had been implemented on our nation's highways, so if packets of yourself got stuck in somebody's router or something, you would wind up being something completely new without even trying, so shut the fuck up and take it.

Register had apparently merged onto I-5 Northbound, just as it was probably, like, 3rd and 17 from the 25 in some local arena football game where every product-line based on a human emotion was monopoly-owned and sponsored its own parameter: Punt returns brought to you by Gulf-Atomic Joy. Safety blitzes brought to you by Bell-Atlantic Awe. Roughing the kicker calls sponsored by Pacific Bell Despair.

A Toyota carrying cases of, one minute, plutonium and, the next minute, heroin had been behind him ever since Balboa and was proceeding according to the Heisenberg Uncertainty principle, or whatever.

Obviously Register was pissed off about how, now that RJR Nabisco had patented the gene for rage, you had to pay a fucking fee every time you wanted to get pissed off about how RJR Nabisco had patented the gene for rage, and so on, recursively or counter-recursively, I don't have time to stop and figure which. Sorry.

Apparently Register had set his car on auto and was trying to come up with the press release that MTV would release when it bought the Reform Party and turned it into a "Real World" season or episode where four "people" -- Jesse Ventura, Patrick J Buchanan, Donald Trump, and Ross Perot -- would be picked to
live in House
and have their lives taped
and find out what happens
when people stop being polite
and start getting real.

According to the black box slid out from Register's corpus callosum by paramedics, a glitch in the car's Windows CE "operating system" caused it to get off at Friar's Road, and rather than even slow for the stop sign, floor it and try to beat the southbound Amtrak through the crossing where, of course, red warning lights were flashing and the little wooden bar had already dropped and, even though it snapped off with no resistance, is still being blamed by Bill Gates for the car's failure to make it through the crossing by only a hair -- NOT a fucking "glitch" in his fucking "operating system."

Register will be remembered as the man who discovered that when you add up all the numbers, it still doesn't add up, and immediately went and, voice quivering, warned his co-workers that "things look like they look much better than they actually are."

Some picture of something that somehow seems to go with the text  below, though sometimes the connection is so counter-cosmic that only Barry  Diller gets it
AT&T and British Telecom, two of the world's biggest communications companies, have formed a global alliance to issue one of the coolest press releases about forming global alliances to issue cool press releases about forming global alliances to issue cool press releases (and so on, recursively) ever. "This will not just be another press release," said British Telecomm CEO, Joe Telecomm, "it will be a whole new concept in press releases." And he got that look in his eyes where suddenly there was no talking to him anymore.

Popular self-help guru pulls own trigger of own shotgun in own mouth with own toe

Shakespeare totally bogus

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Copyright (c) 1999 by HC