Tuesday, November 12, 1996
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Clinton Fakes Right,
Throws Faaaaaa ......... aaaaaaar Right

Wash, DC - (Nov. 12) - Saying he wanted to reach out to "members of other parties and other ideologies," President Clinton, today, began selecting the good ole boys who'll comprise the cabinet and the White House staff for his 2nd term.

At a press conference held in the green room, Clinton explained, "Last term, you know, I appointed a cabinet that looked like America. -- Well, it turns out the American people don't want a cabinet that looks like America -- apparently it gives 'em Montezuma's Revenge or something.

"So this term, I've decided to pick a cabinet that looks like America's worst nightmare -- in the hopes it'll only give 'em stomach cramps, or something."

Then, alluding once again to his desire to create a "viral center," Clinton introduced his first appointee:

"Mr. Joseph Goebbels is widely respected as a man of compassion and love, yet he's also a great communicator in his own right. For those reasons and others, I'm appointing him White House Director of Communications. It'll be Mr. Goebbels task, not only to help educate the American people as to the issues of the day and our approach to solving them, but I am also assigning Secretary Goebbels the task of whipping the American people into a tough, lean, morally self-righteous fighting machine, capable of taking on an expanded role of, uhh, mastery and control, in an ever-changing world that increasingly looks to the United States for, uhh, mastery and control."

For Secretary of Defense, President Clinton chose General Erwin Rommel, "because of the strong leadership qualities he displayed in his recent tour of duty in Africa."

But the big surprise, was the President's announcement of the complete re-design of a major department of the US government.

"The FBI has served this nation with distinction since it was first created by J. Edgar Hoover," the President began. "But in these rapidly-changing times, the mission of the FBI must change too. That's why I've chosen Mr. Adolph Eichmann to completely re-design the department to better serve up the American people.

"And to emphasize that this is more than just a face-lift and some butt-lipo-sculpture," the President went on, "We're gonna' totally change the name. The new department -- because it will stop crime before it starts -- will now be known by the hip, modern-sounding name of, 'The Stopp-o.'"

Then, smiling broadly, Mr. Clinton reached under the podium and brought out a brown-colored shirt and matching boots, proudly announcing, "And they're all gonna' wear this cool new uniform that Hillary just designed."

Then, once the applause had died down, Mr. Clinton, got serious and wonky, and tried to summarize what his next term would be all about.

"In my last term," he said, "You know, we tried to take care of the plumbing in the kitchen and the bathroom. And I think we pretty much succeeded at that. So now we're free, in this term, to, you know, maybe significantly expand the size of our, you know, livingroom.

"You see, I think we have a glorious opportunity ahead of us, if we just seize the day. A chaotic world cries out for order, and a disillusioned and demoralized world people cry out for leadership. We believe it is our task, in the next term of this administration, to help silence those cries."

On his way out the door, retiring Clinton senior advisor, George Stephanopoulos summarized Clinton's entire 8-year administration this way: "Yesterday, it was 'The economy, stupid.' Today, it's 'Entitlements, loser,' and tomorrow, it's 'The world, dumbkopf.'"


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F