(Stockholm, Sweden, USA - Sept 11, 2002) Looking to get with today's post 9.11 cold harsh reality program, the buncha stuck-in-the-late 19th century fogies comprising the Nobel Prize Committee have decided to move into at least the 20th century and drop some of their tired old prizes that rewarded hollow, abstract, trivial, activities like Literature and Peace -- and replace them with prizes for concrete, consequential, meaningful activities, like schmoozing your way to the top, or coughing up thick, dark globs of phlegm.

"I mean," said committee chairman Bjornn Bjorrggerrssonn, "Peace and Literature are totally abstract -- there's nothing there you can touch. But coughing up a 2-inch thick, perfectly spherical, chestnut-colored, rock-hard bolus of utterly human phlegm -- Now there's something we can all understand."

A small tear began to form under Bjorrggerrssonn's left eye as he waxed rhapsodic about how now, with just a little practise and not much work, virtually ANYONE could win a coveted Nobel Prize.

"No more pesky books to write," he intoned. "No more time-consuming discoveries to make. No more ancient murderous feuds to settle."

Along with removing all concept of "merit" from the Nobel Prizes, the committee also announced a series of new Nobel Prizes aimed at college students.

"It's time for the Nobel Prize to broaden its demographics and start appealing to the lucrative youth market," Bjorrggerrssonn, stated. "That's why we'll also be offering 2 new Nobel Prizes this year: one for Best MP3 Collection, and one for the Girl Gone Most Wild on 'Girls Gone Wild #11'. -- Of course, next year that'll be 'Girls Gone Wild #12', then 13, then 14, and so on, till the end of time."

He noted that in the future the Nobel Prize Committee would be adding 2 or 3 new prizes each year, designed to appeal to the largest demographic groups on earth, and hopefully encompassing every flavor-of-the-month that ever was.

"We are already looking at future prizes in such categories as eating, sleeping, blood pressure elevation, taking out the garbage, bongwater drinking, as well as prizes for all kinds of feats of bodily fluids and functions," Bjorrggerrssonn summarrizzed.

Not to be outdone, the Pulitzer Prize Committee announced it would junk all its dumb ole prizes for non-starters like fiction, investigative journalism, and history and would move to cool new more muscular prizes for internet-era achievements like Best Bogus E-mail Mortgage Rate From Ghana, Lowest Price For Lifetime Supply of Viagra from Bulgaria, and Most Consecutive Ebay Frauds While Sober.

Not to be outdone, the barely ambulatory Academy Awards Committee announced they would be dropping the moribund Best Actress and Best Screenplay awards and replacing them with more audience-friendly awards like Best Remake of "Weekend At Bernie's" by Merchant and Ivory, and Best Director of a Film by Francis Ford Coppola's Daughter.

Not to be outdone, the East Paducah Chamber of Commerce, will be dropping its increasingly unpopular Most Hosed-Down Driveway Award and replacing it with a new award for Least Grout-Ridden Shower Door.

Not to be outdone, Congress will be replacing the Congressional Medal of Honor with a $300 Wal-Mart shopping spree.

Not to be outdone, Major League Baseball will be replacing the World Series with the Fibbonacci Series.

Not to be outdone, the NFL will replace its coveted Super Bowl with the coveted fully-loaded unflushable toilet bowl from the "rest" room at Ray's Highway 6 Amoco, just outside Limon, Colorado. BREAKING NEWS!!

Americans Brace for Weeklong Post-9.11 Media Analysis of Accuracy of Media's Month-long Pre-9.11 Warnings of Excessiveness of Media's Actual 9.11 Coverage

RED ALERT!!
The now highly co-ordinated joint joint joint task force of the joint joint FBI/CIA/DIA/EIA EIA/OIA joint joint task force has confirmed that 10,000 Al Qaeda sleepers have each scarfed down about 25 19-ounce cans of generic pork and beans and are heading for crowded elevators and auditoriums all across the USA.
"'Nuff said," said Attorney-General John Ashcroft.
The President has been evacuated to France.

Bush shares un-funny penis joke with popular 9.11 scam artist.

Book rumored to contain words, other stuff.