This page contains a list of links to the hundreds of thousands of new web pages that have been created and announced in the last 10 minutes. The list is updated each 11 minutes, and the previous listings (now ancient history) are immediately removed and placed on our inaccessible archives server.
PICK OF THE WEEK:
Trenton Quarantino's Home Page
New Britain, CT, US
The hot young director of the films "Pulp Dogs" and "Pulp People" -- about living organisms being reduced to, well, pulp, -- now has his own website, with hundreds of thousands of pages of dialogue taken straight from his past films. Though you'll be bored to tears by this stuff, just when you're ready to give up on it, your monitor will lean forward and cut off your ear -- just to keep you interested. (Requires Netscape 2.2.6b3 with VVRML extensions.) http://pulp.net/talk/talk/talk/talk/cutoff_bodypart.html
Psychedelic Friends Network
Chicago, IL, US
The secrets of your future may be contained in other peoples' acid flashbacks. If you talk to enough of these people on our 900 number for endless hours, you may just learn what life has in store for you. Then again, you may just wind up in the store where your life is being sold in the remainder bin.
CorrectoMundo Decision Networks, Inc.
Sunnyvale, CA. US
We specialize in providing custom control tools that offer solutions to understanding, analyzing and planning information about ordering information systems and networked enterprise decision software to help you design affordable creative marketing managerial methodologies which meet the challenges of professional business-to-business turnkey sales services and information product networks. Also Bull Semen.
Turner/Warner/Malone/Viacom/Diller/Cher, CA, US
A bold new imprint specializing exclusively in the works of "removed" Simpson jurors. Running the gamut from novels to poetry to phone books, the Removed! catalog will ultimately contain well over 400 titles by almost all 250 removed jurors. The first books to be released this spring include: Sequestered! -- a novel by Former Juror 748; Bored! -- an epic poem by ex-Juror 3322; Bored Shitless! -- a collection of essays by Juror 981; and Wake Me AFTER the Verdict -- a hip-hop novella by ex-Juror 288. Excerpts will be available online at:
PGE: Pretty Good Euthanasia
E. Winstead, CT, US
Though not the best Euthanasia around, this one is free and more or less gets the job done. Though finding, downloading, installing and getting it to run on your system can be a daunting challenge for even the most knowledgeable OS hacker, the real problems may come when you get to the afterlife and they turn out not to have your public key, and so can't de-crypt your immortal soul.
Top Ten Rejected Wired Covers
El Cerrito, CA, US
This page will take you into the soul of the bowels of the "Wired" Magazine decision-making process. I mean, you've seen the covers they've actually used. IMAGINE the ones they rejected! Not for the easily nauseated or the readily embarrassed. (Please Note: this is the only link on this page that goes to what it claims to go to.)
US Congress Home Page
Wash, DC, US
Essentially a 3-D simulation of the USS Titanic, shortly before striking an iceberg and sinking, this interactive ZZZML page lets you use your mouse to drag brightly colored deck chairs into all kinds of elaborate new arrangements that will please your big bucks cronies and displease the big bucks cronies of your enemies. Minutes of interactive multimedia fun... until the inevitable. Also educational.
The Warner/Turner/Malone Zone
NY, NY, US
Our complete library of over 35,000 feature motion pictures is now online in quicktime and MPEG formats along with our complete catalogue of over 125,000 recordings (in 32bit, 100K-sampled surround-sound) and over 150,000 fiction and non-fiction titles. Sorry if the downloading of this massive bandwidth prevents anyone from ever accessing anything else on the web ever again.
Dolores Claiborne Cosmetics
Bayonne, NJ, US
You've seen the movie -- now wear the eyeshadow. Or vice versa.
The Dolores Claiborne Weight Loss Program
Trenton, NJ, US
You've seen the movie -- now, lose the weight. Or vice versa.
The Siblings Server
Ind, IN, US
Everything you always wanted to know about the Lee Brothers (Bruce, Pinky and Spike) or the Dickenson sisters (Angie and Emily) or the Anderson sisters (Lonnie and Laurie), or the Roberts brothers (Oral and Eric), all on one website.
Drawbridge Racers Page
Philadelphia, PA, US
The new sport that's sweeping the nation. Results of recent games. Pictures of all your favorite racers and their families. Stats, history, schedule of upcoming games, standings, predictions, full-color pix of the world's fastest drawbridges half-open, more.
The Whaaaa Home Page
This hot new band has turned its hometown on their ear. Pix, sound clips, tour dates, lyrics and interpretations of their works by the family members of various nobel prize winners and their houseguests.
Union of Concerned Kamikazes
Philadephia, PO, USO
Yeah, we're concerned. We're concerned about how there just aren't enough kamikaze aircraft slamming into skyscrapers everyday anymore, or kamikaze cable networks -- impaling themselves on the public perception. Or kamikaze cognitive scientists -- willing to risk wiping out World Storage in exchange for just a femtosecond with the fundamental eme.
Why Things Must Suck by Nan Doorman
Quadrupleday Books, NY, NY, US
In this stunning new exegesis, Professor Doorman explains, in layman's terms, just why exactly it is that everything really MUST suck. You know, REALLY SUCK. - Illustrated. 455pgs., online, free at:
Bored Shitless Net
SF, CA, US
Are you bored shitless by the web. Are you sick to death of clicking on hyperlinks and waiting hours for garish imagemaps to load. Are you tired of the same lame toilet humor over and over again. Sick of outdated links and useless worthless must-avoid pages, as well as slick commercial sites stuffed with pop mags you wouldn't even look at in the dentist's office? Are you? Well, ARE YOU?? Well, then, come be bored shitless by OUR site. I mean what's the fucking difference?
The Kato Institute
LA, LA, US
We specialize in trying to figure out what we're doing. We will come do this in your location or guest house if you wish, and if we ever do figure it out, you'll be the first one to know. We have resident experts in all those arcane fields you never knew existed and didn't want to know existed -- but they do, and, if you know what's good for you, you'll hire us to tell you how to navigate your Exxon-Valdez through their Straits of Hormuz.
Sonny & Cher, New Mexico, USA
This site will either be about the Paul Westerberg 80's rock group, or about the lives of former replacement ball players. Whichever comes first.
OKC, OK US
A coll-abor(t)ative multim(m)edia virtu(e)al reality interactive immersive mobile environmental presence featuring 2-hr realtime quadraphonic IMAX background clips in HTMLPEG/6 requiring only a 2400 BAUD dialup and a PC XT with 512K. Your work will be incorporated immediately upon receipt. Any file format acceptable.
OKC, OK US
A coll-abor(t)ative gex-N multim(m)edia slipstream virtu(e)al big(sur)reality inter(did)active immers(ybeat)ive (im)mobile counter-environmental presence/backlash featuring 6-hr ultra-realtime dodeca(ca)phonic gen-IMAX background clips in HTMLPEG/10 requiring thousands of massively-parallel Liquid-nitrogen cooled Cray-Phillip Morris MNP-1000s running OS Ten Quadrillion Plus Plus. Your work will be incorporated immediately upon receipt. Any file format acceptable.
Fucked-Up Joe's Page
Illinois City, IL, US
Come listen to my stories of abuse and neglect and suicide and bitterness and pain and despair. Click on my hyperlinks and tour deeper into my dark fucking soul. Watch the tears of anger stream down your monitor.
SVGA-Plus and 32 megs required.
Don < X > DeMarco
Hollywood, CA, US
This site will track the production schedules of the many upcoming knock-offs and clones of the film "Don Juan DeMarco." It's still under construction, so I only have information up on 3 projects to date: "Don Johnson DeMarco," from NewLine, "Don Knotts DeMarco," from Columbia, and "Dom DeLuise DeMarco," from Universal. Hopefully by next week I'll have at least the crew list for Miramax's "Don Norman DeMarco," due to start shooting in May or June. http://DeMarco.com/corleone/perignon/dillerovitz.html
Canada City, Canada, US
The leading specialists in generalizing about the nature of speculation. We have performed all over the world from Saskatoon to Alberta, and no one has ever left the show more pissed off than us. To find out why or what, come scroll through our quadrophonic imax jpegs of group pictures of us standing beside a waterfall, trying to figure it all out.
Makers of the burgers that ex-sportstars eat with their rent-free houseguests just before going off to commit double-murders of ex-wives and a random friend. 'Nuff said.
POP MUSIC: Ashford and Bundy
The home page of the pop group formerly known as Ashford and Simpson. 'Nuff Said.
Nutley, NJ, US
Makers of the monitor used by Judge Ito. 'Nuff said.
Ford Motor Co
Detroit, TX, US
Inventors of the white Ford Bronco. 'Nuff said.
Photographer Rokar Home Page
Simi Valley, CA, US
When you view this stunning series of sensitive photomontages, you'll be amazed by Rokar's uncanny ability to reveal the delicate beauty inherent in even the most gruesome forensic situation. Also on this site, 10 years worth of exclusive pix withheld from LA prosecutors.
Ferguson & Godwin, Attorneys
Wash, DC, US
Whenever copyright violation leads to high-profile multiple or serial murders, it's time to call in the team of Ferguson and Godwin. We have over 15 years and 6 months combined experience in the fine art of dragging trials on till all the witnesses and jurors are either dead or incapacitated, and the case is thrown out. We'll also come speak at your high-profile (but closed-door) fundraisers, or show you how to spam all living creatures with a single keypress.
Plano, TX, US
Come roam our shoppes where there is everything for the lover and the maniac and the sociopath and the murderous coked-up piece of garbage and the expectant mother, alike. Come crawl through our "Our Town" metaphor-space and give us your stinking money.
What the Fuck
El Cerrito, CA, US
Yeah, what the fuck. I mean for US$15.00 a month we can just spew our crap out on a website and then find ways to trick you into hitting it enough times so we can take these numbers and use them to con some big dumb corporations into paying us US$30K/mo each, in exchange for a few pixels that virtually no one even looks at. Calling it something like Hot McLuhan, or Wireless/Tireless.
Mono-Media Inert-active Systems Inc.
SF, CA, US
The content of this page is completely unrelated to its name, and all similarities end there. Its 55-meg imagemap requires 4 17-inch monitors in a 2X2 square to view properly and, in the end, its only link is to Andrew Giuliani's Home Page, which is, itself, just a few quicktime clips of spoofs of famous world leaders and world celebrities resigning in disgrace. At the end, Andrew invites everyone at home to send in their own clips of their own selves, being their own best assholes.
TFM: Totally Fucked-Up Management
Cognitec/3rd Force Associates, NY, NY, US
In the wake of the abysmal failure of Total Quality Management (TQM), a new paradigm is now sweeping the World Business Community. Totally Fucked-Up Management (TFM) has won disciples in all the highest echelons of all the highest corporations. At this website we will have animated cartoon-animals demonstrating the basic techniques of TFM, so that absolutely anyone can apply them, instantly, to their own otherwise empty lives of boredom, frustration and pain.
Viola's Smack Shop
PGH, PA, US
Smack, Crack, Crank, Crystal, Acid -- that's what you'll feel like you've just OD'd on, when you feast your eyes on our latest etc.....
Placebo Servers Inc
NY, NY, US
We specialize in placebos that mimic the effects of specific illegal substances in about 60% of those individuals who can sincerely believe it's the real thing. Try it yourself by downloading our online samples, free. Get our whole catalogue on CD-ROM. Unlock individual transcendental drug experiences with a single password which you get from our 24-hour, toll-free hotline, in exchange for your credit card.
The Cognitec/3rd Force "What Snooze" Page is updated virtually every minute by crack teams of highly skilled professionals, working long hours for low pay.
Any information contained in the C/3F What Snooze Page, that wasn't created by Cognitec/3rd Force is purely coincidental and its inclusion here should not imply cognitive processes on the part of C/3F or any of its staff, employees, or personnel.
We reserve the right to completely redo all submissions in order to make the subject look like the biggest asshole alive, and we also reserve the right to completely reject any submission for not being filthy and vicious enough.
If you have any comments on or suggestions for these pages, please, Keep Them to Yourselves. Thank You.