Friday, December 13, 1996
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Ovitz Calls It Qvitz

Superagent and Disney President or CEO or Vice President or something, Mike Ovitz, announced yesterday, that he was stepping down from whatever the fuck his job was.

"I'm really sick of whatever the fuck I was doing here at Disney," Ovitz predictably complained. "You know, all the back-stabbing, the in-fighting, the having people killed -- after a while it starts to take its toll on your, you know, precious bodily fluids."

Ovitz, whose title at Disney was Director of Wholesome Family Pornography, or something, is probably best known for transforming creepy karate instructor, Steven Seagal, from Metamucil posterboy, into America's creepiest, big-screen action figure.

"The main reason I left Disney," Ovitz stated, "Was because, see, I never really wanted to be a superagent. What I really always wanted to be was a supermodel."

Ovitz admitted that the main reason he'd left Disney was so that he could spend more time smoking dope and doing lots of psychedelics, but indicated he would not be doing heroin, coke, or meth.

"I know I have to do penance for introducing Steven Seagal to the world," Ovitz claimed, "And I just couldn't do that at Disney. So that's why I'm leaving, basically."

According to Ovitz, he was so distraught when he first learned (in these pages) of Disney buying Wired Ventures, that he immediately called long-time friend and on-again off-again homosexual lover, and Disney CEO or President or head or director or whatever, Mike Eisner and said, "Jesus, Mike! Are you fucking goofy, or what!?" Then Ovitz resigned in a huff, because, in his words, "Wired will lead Disney down the toilet [of extropian cyber-libertarianism]."

A source close to the superagent claimed that Ovitz was ", really bummed out about his old agency, CAA, getting together with, like, chip-maker, Intel, or something. Like, apparently they're gonna build this multi-billion dollar summer camp where burnt-out computer geeks can go and fuck wannabe starlets under the guise of developing 'new media,' and I think Ovitz wanted to go be, like, the, uh, head counselor there, or something, so that's why he left Disney."

"People think just because I'm a superagent, I can have everything I want," said Ovitz, "So I'm leaving Disney to show people that I'm just another average guy with failures and frustrations like everybody else."

When it was pointed out that, unlike other "average guys," he could always vent his failure and frustration by simply having several dozen people killed, with absolute impunity, Ovitz didn't shrink. "Well, OK," he said, "I guess the average Joe doesn't have that luxury -- at least, not the impunity part.

The stock market promptly crashed on the news of Ovitz's resignation, and China promptly sent him a truckload of winter coats, hand-stitched by Tibetan 6-year-olds.


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F