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PICK OF THE WEEK: Windows .357
Microsmith & Wesson, Wethersfield, CT, US
This VRML-Java enhanced website provides a real-time demo of MS&W's latest platform-independent solution to all hardware and software compatibility problems -- featuring the simple, elegant, intuitive interface that's made Microsmith & Wesson a household name: just point and click.
http://www.357.com/

Monday, June 21, 1999

Crash and Bernstein, Attorneys at Law
Memphis, TN, US
Armed Robbery? Murder? Kidnapping? Treason? ... We don't give a shit what your crime is ... we don't even wanna' know ... cause we get you off the old-fashioned way -- by disassembling reality in court and convincing the jury, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that nothing -- ABSOLUTELY NOTHING -- really exists. Or ever will.
http://digimark.net/mfu/crashbrn.html

Sex/Idea
Truth-Xor-Consequences, NM, US
This hot new online magazine is really about ideas -- but every word begins with the prefix "sex-" in order to hold the reader's attention while an idea is actually expressed.
http://sex.com/sex/sex/sex/idea.html

Internet in a GloveBox
Cry, Inc., SF, CA, US
The clear winner in the Internet browser wars is also the first software to be powered by Plutonium -- for enhanced performance. OK, so maybe you do have to wear protective clothing and handle your keyboard using robot arms inside a lead-shielded glovebox, but the additional power (of extra-long filenames) more than makes up for these few inconveniences. And it sure beats the crap out of the underwater web browser featured in Waterworld.
http://glove.box/alley.html

Learn Desperanto in a Week
World Desperanto Foundation, Orlando, FL, US
Desperanto, the universal language of despair, was developed by a blue-ribbon international panel of really pissed-off people sequestered together for 15 years in Holiday Inns all over North America. Hit this website just a few times each day, and soon you'll be speaking Desperanto well enough to go bitch and moan on any public streetcorner or in any rundown pub, almost anywhere in the world.
ttphay://esperantoday.omcay/earnlay.tmlhay

The Physiologic Parameter Network
NY, NY, US
Using the latest in digital-video imaging and remote physiologic sensing techniques, this new concept in cable networks brings you not only the sights and sounds of your heroes, leaders, celebrities, and pundits, but also their EKGs, EMGs, EEGs, pulse rate, blood pressure, and all the other little internal measures that tip off just how disingenuous, hypocritical and downright dishonest they're being at any moment in time.
http://digimark.net/mfu/physiopa.html

Robot Life
Newport, RI, US
This online magazine of the future has all bases covered. -- If robots take over, it'll be about their daily lives. If they don't, it'll be about the nature of human existence.
http://Jamie.Robbie/Robotson.html

Planet Fuck Hollywood
Shtudeo Sity, CA, US
Hundreds of failed actors, screenwriters, and directors have pooled their meager resources to start this new club that pays tribute to the town that crushed their dreams. The room is tastefully decorated with the torn, crumpled photos of successful stars and former agents and their (smashed) personal artifacts, and the website features live inline video of the assorted colorful losers currently slumped over the bar, mumbling platitudes about "no luck" and "who ya' know."
http://fuck.com/planet/hollywood.html

True Net Demographics (True!)
Cabo San Lucas, Baja California, MX
A recent survey reveals that, at best, 80,000 people actually use the web each day, and that the bulk of the traffic comes from 3 main sources: webmasters checking out the competition, search engines indexing every word in sight, and slick techy hosts doing live demos on TV shows about the web.
http://digimark.net/mfu/truedemo.html

The Bruce Willis Eliminator
Newark, NJ, US
Combining real-time VR with AI pattern-recognition, these strap-on goggles pre-process all visual and auditory input, replacing any occurrence of Bruce Willis with a life-like cartoon-animal that produces cunning barnyard sounds instead of speech. Additional snap-in modules, described in detail on the website, allow the unit to eliminate: Schwarzeneggar, Billy Joel, Gingrich, Cher, Steven Seagal, Buchanan, D'Amato, and many more. And there's even a form where you can suggest your own candidates for future modules.
http://digimark.net/mfu/brucwil2.html

Hot New Unabomber Novels
Union of Concerned Unabombers, Chicago, IL, US
Over the course of the next month, we will publish 5 brand new, complete novels at this site -- because -- if we don't -- their authors will fucking BLOW UP THE WORLD.
http://diabomb.com/triabomb/quadrabomb/pentabomb.html

C-SPAM
Wash, DC, US
Part cable show, part website, this new network just sits back while its audience calls each other filthy names via phone, fax, email, and website conferencing. Since it costs almost nothing to produce, and the people can't get enough of it, the profit is huge. Occasionally politicians and journalists come on to "re-energize" some segment of the population that's grown complacent in the expression of its violent hatred for some other segment.
http://spam.com/spam/spam/spam/spam/wonderful.html

Honest!
Mojave, CA, US
Finally, the online magazine everybody's been demanding. So honest and pure, the publisher and staff appear on the homepage absolutely naked. Each article is linked to the complete, online, lifetime phonebills and tax returns and visa charges and arrest records of its author. And, in each issue, a different member of the editorial staff breaks down and confesses everything in a 15 minute RealAudio file.
http://trustme.com/really/really.html

Mike Rosoff Militia v. 7.0
El Cerrito, CA, US
Pissed-off at the government, a neighbor, friend, family member, or at a national, ethnic, professional or civic group? This exciting new software will empower you (the User) to organize like-minded bored and pissed-off right-wing paranoids, just like yourself, into tight-knit, highly-trained, para-military groups capable of blowing up buildings, airliners, shopping malls, etc. with just a few simple mouse clicks. Visit the website and download the free working demo version (good for gas stations and liquor stores).
http://mikrosof.com

Generic Alternative Website
E. Winstead, CT, US
Are you tired of all those websites that offer you X, when what you really want is Y? Well, this site is still under construction, so it doesn't quite have Y yet, but it does have Z, which is a hell of a shitload better than X. And, despite being the most alternative cult site around, it's still designed to appeal to the least common denominator of the broadest demographic, or the broadest demographic of the least common denominator. Whichever is largest.
http://generic.com/alternative/cult1/cult2/666/ZYXYZ.html

Cam-Pain '96
Turner/Warner/Malone/Viacom/Diller/Cher, CA, US
This promises to be the most boring election in recorded history because all candidates are in complete agreement on all the major issues: -- "We need more and better drugs, and more and better pornography." But just how do we get there? Find out at the Candidate sites of Dole, Gram, Buchanan, and Busey.
http://digimark.net/mfu/mrnpolit.html

The Unlearning Channel
Antidisestablishmentarian Associates, Trenton, NJ, US
We all have things we wanna forget. -- In fact, whole chunks of the structure of everyday reality could be nicely thrown away and who'd miss them? Nobody. That's who. And that's why we started the Unlearning Channel -- to help you take the first fledgling steps OUT OF THIS FUCKING WORLD.
http://nomorewalls.com

95 Doors (All Locked)
Vancouver, BC
Written from scratch by 10,000 chimpanzees given C++ compilers and locked in a room with Jim Morrison, Ray Manzarek and Robby Krieger, this pre-emptive multi-tasking operating system just barely works on today's mid-range consumer-grade processors, but you can still download a working copy right now, at this website, absolutely free. Subsequent headaches come, of course, at your own expense.
http://andwatchfor.com/Keys96/....Or97.html

Think Globally -- Act Pavlovially
Hypocrisy-or-Consequences, NM, US
OK, so we're not quite sure what we are yet. Whether we're a company or a person or commercial or not-for-profit, or if we're selling it or giving it away free, or even what it is. -- But if we don't do a website fast (with VRealShockRMLJivaBird), we'll lose out to whoever our competition'll be once we figure out what we're doing. -- I mean, maybe the name just says it all and we ultimately don't even need no steeenking website. Or to even figure out what we are. Or to run this ad. -- Uhh, Sorry.
http://ummmmmm.com/like/uhhh/yuh_know?.html

Cyber-Militia in the Hood
Time-Warner SameOldMedia, Barstow, CA, US
What happens when the good-old-boy fundamentalist Nazis from Montana link up with the '9-totin', dope-smokin' Crips and Bloods in the hood -- and go online? Then start dealing CD-ROM brain implants on suburban streetcorners? Part of the answer is found at the website of this explosive new blockbuster film or TV show or book or musical comedy or mini-series about human consciousness at the crossroads.
http://TimeSink.com

Where Would You Like To Go Today?
Wallah^2, WA, US
To prison? Or to some alienating, make-work, temp office job? -- Well, uhhh, -- You Will!
http://andconfess.com/your/sins/to/anATMmachine.html

United Rogue Data States of America
Disingenuousness-or-Consequences, NM, US
Hey, woven into the very fabric of American society and culture is a parallel universe where web robots and worms and viruses and intelligent agents meet to drink, gamble, fuck, and do things to data that are illegal everywhere else. And this is their website. So come here and find out what data is doing behind your back! (As if you even had time to keep up with what it's doing right in front of your face.)
http://rogue.com/data/dada/papa/ooo/mow/mow.html

No Trade-offs!
Sask, Sask, CAN
This website will traffic in those rare moments when, suddenly, for a minute or a day or a week -- everything works. Everything's right. No trade-offs, no compromise, no sellout. And, though there's absolutely nothing on this site quite yet, come by anyway and check out our cool "Not Under Construction -- Just Plain EMPTY," imagemap. Click on it anywhere and watch the page re-draw. Or order a "Net Commercialism Sucks!" Tee-Shirt for only $35.
http://null.com/trade/off.html

Most Fucked-Up Person Alive Tells All
C/3F Books, Avenue E, CA, US
Easily the hottest novel in the history of the Web and possibly the World, it uses advanced narrative technologies to eliminate anachronistic crap like plot, story and character, -- leaving a dense, compressed, stream-of-obnoxiousness prose that cuts through all genres and categories and social classes and emotions. Over 1500 weeks at the top of the NYT Online Bestsellers List.
http://digimark.net/mfu/mostfh01.html

Webmasters Anonymous
LA, LA, US
If you're just beginning to realize the huge mistake you've made by getting involved with the Web -- there's still time to get out. Within 24 hours, our crack team of highly-trained crack addicts can be at your corporate headquarters doing all the dirty work of cancelling your provider accounts, deleting all pointers to your site, erasing all your html files and gifs and cgi and hotJava scripts, and collecting and discarding all your copies of "Making Vast Amounts Of Money On The Internet." For more details check our, uhhh, website.
http://bye.com/revoir.au

Dysfunctional Marketing Inc.
A^2, MI, US
Generational Marketing is history. The fastest growing market segment is not determined by age, but by dysfunctionality. And here at DMI, our entire staff, from top to bottom, is composed of totally fucked-up, screwed-up, utterly messed-up people who understand this demographic at a gut level, speak its language, and know its motivations and desires. So come by are \=\\ ahh our scome by our fucngg //// com // please come by our fdame websssiiite and ahhhhhhhh sihihshit shit .
http://dys.eu/fun/ction.html

The Mike Rosoff Network
Mike Rosoff Corp., Ind, IN, US
9 million satisfied members. At least one of them can't be wrong.
http://digimark.net/mfu/mikrosof.html/

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